CupcakeKay's Blog

Archive for the ‘The Hard Stuff’ Category

We’re just eight days away from the wedding. This time next week, the shower and bachelorette party will be over, hopefully my hangover won’t be too bad, and I’ll be getting ready to take care of those last-minute details and attend the rehearsal.

It seems crazy that something we’ve planned for so long is finally almost here. It doesn’t even seem real.

It’s hard to say what I’m feeling in these final days. I’m excited. I’m terrified. I’m worried about a million little things (and some big things as well). Will everything get done in time? Will I be able to relax and enjoy the day, or will I be a crazy stressball? Will it feel meaningful enough, or will I just feel like I’m playing at getting married? And how will I feel once the wedding is over? (Because I’m a planner by nature, I’ve already planned a project to fill the empty hours that previously were ALL WEDDING ALL THE TIME.)

This really isn’t how I expected to feel in the days leading up to my wedding. I didn’t expect to feel so achingly alone. And I didn’t expect to be so fraught with worry. I never truly understood why people said wedding planning was stressful.

I don’t have a pithy wrap-up to this post. I don’t have a lesson I’ve learned from it. Hopefully, the lesson will be apparent later, after the wedding. Right now, I just needed to get it out there.

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This!

“After becoming engaged, my mother told me, ‘You know, you can be an adult without being married, but you can’t be married and not be an adult.’ At the time, I agreed but didn’t think much about it. Now, six months after our wedding, her words keep coming back to me, ringing as one of the truest characterizations of my own process of getting married. Planning this wedding basically forced my husband and I to confront and negotiate with all the people in our lives at once, and I’ve come to see the pain and frustration that comes with going through all of that as a necessary catalyst for growing up and for carving out a place for our new family within the existing ones.” –APW wedding graduate Anna

Actually, her whole post is pretty amazing: http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/04/wedding-graduates-anna-matt/#more-11113

And I love, love, LOVE her dress and her hair (in fact, after the wedding, I plan to ask my stylist to give me that exact delicious shade of strawberry blonde. WANT!).

But back to the important stuff…

I feel like Anna has managed a positive spin on the stress, frustration, and heartache of wedding planning, and that’s something I desperately need right now. It helps me to think of this pain as something necessary, a part of the process of making something better. Seeing this as work that must be done to build my family, instead of an unnecessarily high level of stress for what is essentially a big party (and not even the biggest party I’ve ever thrown, btw), helps me to feel that it will all be worth it.

Thank you, Anna and APW, for keeping me sane!

Craft update: I got four rows knitted on the ringbearer sweater vest last night. This was during our meeting with the DJ, which went well. I had intended to spend much of the evening watching a movie and knitting, but that didn’t happen, thanks to one of our dogs, who seems to have forgotten he’s house-trained since we moved. I spent the first hour I was home cleaning every conceivable dog-bodily excretion off the carpet, the bed, random boxes we hadn’t unpacked yet… So, yeah. Not as much knitting time as I had hoped, and considerably less relaxation time. Maybe I’ll get to relax sometime in May.

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…except this one.

As we enter the final countdown to the wedding (25 days!), I often find myself musing on this “Ask Team Practical” discussion, The Loneliest Bride (when I have the mental capacity for musing; there are some days all I’m capable of is wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments).

Part of this is just that I decided to make three major life changes all at once, and I’m working so much that I have time for nothing else. My stress level is at an all-time high. This was dumb on my part, but sometimes life just turns out that way.

But I truly am lonely. Unlike the writer of that APW question, perhaps, I’m realizing that I’m truly lonely apart from the wedding, and the wedding is magnifying that to levels of sometimes overwhelming sadness.

First of all, my engagement started with (and was the cause of) the loss of a friend. Because of whom I picked for my husband, one of my (I thought) closest friends stopped speaking to me. I didn’t expect this. I knew she wouldn’t be happy with my choice, but I naively believed that because I loved her with all my heart and would always continue to be her friend, no matter what her choices, that she felt the same about me. When we planned our hypothetical weddings together in our early 20s, we were supposed to be each other’s bridesmaids. Now she won’t even be there. Should we ever repair the friendship, there will be no way to go back in time for her to attend my wedding. That loss will always be felt.

There’s no way for me to explain in words how deep this wound is. It hurts constantly.

And with each RSVP of no, each person who, however kindly, tells me that they’ve prioritized something else higher than my wedding, I get lonelier.

I think what it boils down to is that my wedding just isn’t as important to anyone else as it is to me. No one tells you that about wedding planning. And let’s face it, even if they did, you’d shrug them off, believing YOUR friends and YOUR wedding are the lovely, special exceptions to every wedding planning rule.

But here’s how I feel:

I’d like to take out an ad in the New York Times (or, you know, a paper my friends actually read), or a billboard, or something equally large and prestigious, that reads, “In case you didn’t know, I’m going through a huge, momentous life change. This is both joyous and hard. I’m feeling both overwhelming happiness and panic at the same time. I need your smiles to mirror my joy. I need your hand to grasp when the enormity of this choice feels like a weight on my chest, and I can hardly breathe. I need to know that you’ll listen to me, that I will have your undivided attention, when I need it. Most of all, I need to feel that I am important to you, that my wedding is important to you (although, yes, I realize it is not the MOST important thing to you: you’ve got your own stuff). I just need you to be there. And I want you to know that I AM HERE FOR YOU. No matter how busy and stressful my life, I always have time to share in your joys. No matter how happy I may be, I will always be your shoulder to cry on.”

Ok, so maybe it’s too wordy for a billboard.


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